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Ohioans Explain Why They Are Voting For J.D. Vance

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This November, J.D. Vance will be on the ballot to represent Ohio in the U.S. Senate. The Onion asked Ohioans why they are voting for the venture capitalist and author, and this is what they said.

Dwight Lowell (Forklift Operator)

Dwight Lowell (Forklift Operator)

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“Well, when you get right down to it, J.D. is a fancy Ivy League–educated elitist who hates the poor, just like me.”

Janelle Price (Nurse)

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“He has a nice big round supple head.”

Emma Church (Deceased)

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“J.D. Vance said I should stay in my violent marriage.”

Benjamin Church (Investor)

Benjamin Church (Investor)

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“I’ve lost everything supporting things Peter Thiel advised me to, and I’m ready to do it again.”

Thad Yardley (Priest)

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“I heard he wrote a book, but I’m not holding that against him.”

Usha Vance (Attorney)

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“I’m just hoping he gets elected and fucks an aide or something so that I have an airtight excuse to leave him.”

Amanda Emory (Shop Owner)

Amanda Emory (Shop Owner)

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“White.”

DeMarcus Buxton (Medical Goods Distribution)

DeMarcus Buxton (Medical Goods Distribution)

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“He said there’s a class war in this country, which is undeniably true, and I’m not going to do any more research into which side of the class war he’s on.”

Brady Tomek (PR Manager)

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“He’s probably met Amy Adams. Gosh, that’s cool. I loved her in Junebug.”

Kelly Anderson (Teacher)

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“He represents exactly what I want my kids to grow up to be—someone who is rich and successful, gets out of Ohio, and then comes back to take advantage of us because he thinks we’re stupid and exploitable.”

Allen Schmidt (Private Equity Manager)

Allen Schmidt (Private Equity Manager)

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“I like a man who can be bought.”

Charles Copeland (Correctional Officer)

Charles Copeland (Correctional Officer)

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“Well, like most Americans, I have very little information about how our political system works, and he’s in the party that I’ve attached my identity to.”

Christopher Fullerton (Mechanic)

Christopher Fullerton (Mechanic)

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“Honestly, it’s pretty fucked up that he decided to convert to Catholicism as an adult, but at least he’s not a Jew or something.”

Lauren Glass (Boutique Owner)

Lauren Glass (Boutique Owner)

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“I’m getting pretty sick of reading Hillbilly Elegy fanfic. It’s time there was a real sequel.”

Annie Baxter (Lawyer)

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“Have you seen just how pathetic he is groveling for Trump to like him? His attempts to seem like a genuine person are laughably transparent and undeniably pitiful. And that’s exactly what I would do in his position.”

Todd Fitzgerald (Retired)

Todd Fitzgerald (Retired)

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“I want to send him to Washington so he gets out of Ohio.”

Marissa Plunkett (High School Counselor)

Marissa Plunkett (High School Counselor)

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“His name sounds like a guy who would own a mattress store, and I really need a new mattress.”

Rhita Lawrence (Editor)

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“He told me if I don’t vote for him he’d kill himself.”

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